A streak of confusion, pushes me to squander all courage I’ve mustered all this time since my not-so-impressive placement. I was complacent with what I had until tonight when a friend asked me a very simple question-what’s your plan? I felt as if he caught me off-guard, really, what’s my plan. Simply put, I don’t have any. I should have one, after all I just cant waste my existence by doing what I don’t enjoy doing-my present job is not in sync with my interest.
To add to it, I’m yet to discover where my interest really lies. Don’t know when this unknown would be defined, and when my life would get the pro-active force of motivation.
For the time being-when I’m choosing to not to vie for anything-I put my faith on the fact that, ‘Taste can be developed, it may be bland, but how else can the best be known’
Back in school, I ‘had’ this very good friend of mine called Prerna. After school we hardly got time to meet because both of us had got so busy with our lives. Well, the point is, when our school days were ending, I always imagined her by my side-like a friend who would stay-till the end. Guess it didn’t turn out that way, slowly and insidiously we started talking lesser and lesser.
I’m a kind of person who wouldn’t care of self respect if it’s for a friend- not the best of my traits but that’s the way I’m. So, I tried contacting her, messaged her on facebook and did almost everything one could do to get in touch. In response, I discovered that she chose not to reply, not even a modest ‘Hi’. She instead chose to drift away, and infuriate me considerably, because, till this date, I don’t see a possible explanation to her behavior.
It has almost been 6 months since I last bothered myself to check her facebook profile- just to know how she is. And to my shock, I learn, that she has deleted me from her friend list as well. I assume, it’s kind of funny to wail about getting deleted from ‘someone’s’ friend list, but for me-what I always imagined-she was a very good friend.
Really miss her today.
A few people really know how to irk well and escape without leaving a trace. You simply can not hold them culpable because they confuse you, make you wonder if they were actually responsible or not. They put words so playfully that even an economist cant quantify the depth of their intent to hurt or just fool around.
Now, it’s true that fault is not completely theirs, but the fact that they know what they do so well, is in itself irritating.
Leaving the crap aside, I’ve recently started reading this novel called ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’. Not bad novel, I must say. It’s written quite well actually, author being Arthur Golden.
For those of you who don’t know what a Geisha is, search the internet-no offence. It’s the best way to discover. To give a bleak picture, they are professional female entertainers in Japan. They wear a very heavy make-up. Face painted white, lips red, with luxuriant blush on the cheeks. As per the book, they look magnificent, and Japanese men are banana about them. A Geisha is not a prostitute-I’m sure most would have taken her for one by default, she is rather a respected in the society. What surprises is the fact that to become a Geisha, one needs to undergo rigorous training- from age of 9 or so.
As for the story, it’s about the hardships this woman faces after being sold to an Okiya when she was 9. How she tries to escape, and how…well I don’t know. I shall read and update.
I’d an interview today. The interviewer asked me to tell something about myself. The next second, my brain is blank. I had practiced the answer umpteen number of times. Yet there I was, answering a well practiced answer in the most haphazard manner. And, whatever followed was no different. A screwed up interview.
Guess, there’s an explanation to the opposite of what I posed in the last post. How well you do when you don’t wanna screw up? You really want something, but are unsure about its chances of happening. This makes you nervous and brings down your confidence. Even if nervousness is not there, and you feel confident about everything, what are the odds of you getting through?
I can assure, it’s fifty percent probability at all times. You can still screw up, and so I did.
You want, yet you don’t. Confusion creeps into your being insidiously, rendering you vulnerable to uncertainties you were sure you wont ever come across. You planned, yet you stand at crossroads. Not willing to own up, but the reason stands stark, right in your face. The feeling literally kills you inside.
What do you do when the task is to ‘How well can you screw up?’. I realized today, no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to portray yourself as someone less. Your instinct, as a friend of mine said, is to constantly correct yourself, if at all you deviate from your actual being. Philosophical bullshit, but true.
Just a sliver of good luck I wish today.
Yet again, a long time since I lost posted. Well, tomorrow is the last exam of my engineering life. It feels great, how all this time passed by, how I saw things and people around me change; all for good reasons, and how tomorrow I would stand contented with my engineering studies complete.
Life’s uncertain, you never know when it knocks off your breath. And even worse, it’s all written; as it’s believed. Yesterday night, two students of my college met with an accident and lost their lives. It’s sad. One of them was to leave for home the very next day; I can sense the joy he must be feeling within, sadly God had something else planned for him. This incident instills fear as it successfully ascertains the volatility of life. May their souls rest in peace.
Life’s randomness can’t be cooped; no one knows when the validity expires, but each moment, as it passes by, can be savored and cherished. A life passed and relished this way is the life ‘lived’; a life which wouldn’t have any regrets as breath eludes it.
Elephants by Beginner\'s Luck
This is a beautiful song by an Indian band, it goes without saying that I love it because by now I’ve shared it almost everywhere.
Yesterday’s CWG opening ceremony was impressive, especially the theme song. Yet again, Rahman proved why his fans adulate him. The balloon sort of thing the OC bought for 40crores proved to be a complete value for money. It got a little disappointing when Rahman sung Jai Ho, because, first there was no female singer; it was prerecorded, second, it was sung just to create hype as half the world identifies India with Jai Ho. But, what irks me is that Jai Ho inadvertently belittled the games theme song, which is wrong, at least I don’t feel good about it.
I hope all the events go well and we carry forward the same exuberance through the next 14 days of CWG.